Missing you like crazy...

I'm alone in my apt. I'm listening to a wonderful song. (Nickleback - Never gonna be alone) Thinking about my family and aching inside. I miss you all so much it hurts. School is not ending fast enough and the homework is killing me. Dating sucks and all the "rules" I'm supposed to follow are crap. You're all so far away. I can't sit and talk with you or spend time with you. I can't even see your faces in person. Chocolate doesn't even make it better. That really sucks because I want some chocolate anyway. Blast!

Hey, at least I have a sense of humor. haha

When I'm done with school in a few months, I will be praying hard to find out where I need to be. I got the answer to stay in Utah last summer, but I thought that meant so I could stay and finish school. Well, that's almost done and I'm glad.

Now, what about a husband? How the heck am I supposed to find a companion sifting through all this crap?? You've got the ones that only want affection with no other commitment...screw that...then there's the needy ones that want to be with you constantly...no thank you. There's the one that wants so much space you never see them and they never see you. Why even bother with those? Then there's the ones that get scared if you even dare to breath or look at them? When am I ever going to find a MAN???? Not some retard boy with no clue and no brains.

I'm sorry.. I know this turned into an "I hate dating session”, but I am really sick of dealing with all the crap. There's too much drama and not enough real...meaning real people. There's always some kind of wall or barrier that covers the real person. No one seems to know who they are and don't stand up to their morals and values. Everything is a double standard and they don't try to become better....they just sit and get stagnant and lazy.

I meet some great guy...he seems nice, he's spiritual, he's affectionate....and then there's always something off. I've never met someone that had everything in the right place. Don't get me wrong...I'm not looking for perfection. I want someone who's humble enough to know they're flawed, but still trying. That's not a bad thing, right? I just want someone REAL. A real person. Someone who has the same values and lives them every day as well as they can. Someone that actually cares about people and the gospel. Does this person even exist? I must be wishing here because I really think I'm crazy for even believing all those things could exist in one person.

Ok, so I'm coming off as bitter. Well, maybe I have a right to be a little bitter. I haven't exactly had the greatest dating experiences and I'm praying someone can come along and prove that it has all been worth it. Still waiting. Will be waiting a while longer, I suppose. I just hope I get a chance to have a family of my own. I love the beautiful family I have now, but there is this empty place in my heart that can only be filled by family. It's hard not to want a family of my own when the only family I've known is far away. I don't think I'm crazy for thinking that. Hope I'm right.

I'm going to be 27 this year and that just seems so old to me. I've been thinking about all the wonderful things this life can hold for me. Where to go from here? Well, gosh I have no idea. People keep asking..."So, what are you going to do when you graduate?" and I can't answer that question. I really don't know. It scares me to not know what I'm going to do when I'm done. The only life I've known for all these years is school. What comes next? Teaching? Well, yes, I'm already doing that and loving it. Marriage? Well, that would be nice, but I can't do that one by myself. Unfortunately, I have to depend on another person to be in the right place in their life or at least on the same page as me for that to happen.

All these retarded thoughts in my head and nothing to do with them, but write and maybe put them to music that likely no one will ever hear or completely understand. It feels good to get them out either way, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Well, goodness, I just ranted for quite a while, didn’t I? Sorry! My life is actually going very well right now. I’m graduating! Hallelujah! I got a half-tuition scholarship for the semester. I’ve been invited to sing for a lot of people and that’s quite an honor. I’ve been going on dates a lot lately and that right there is a blessing even though they’re not for me. The temple has made a big difference in my life and I guess they can see it. Maybe that’s why they’re interested or maybe they’re just after one thing. Hard to tell at first sight and disappointing when you find out it’s the latter of the two. Oh well....right now I'll just have fun and get to know people. Maybe Prince Charming will make his appearance some day. If you happen to find him, please send him my way. Much appreciated. :)

Much love <3